Today was a day full of harsh words that cannot be taken back. For once in my life I refuse to allow someone else's words and opinions bear so much weight on my heart. I am who I am. I am myself in all of my awkward glory. If you depend on me it is nearly guaranteed that I will do nothing out of sheer fear of doing the wrong thing. I am not mean spirited or selfish, just timid and stage frightened. I am clumsy and shy and in the heat of the moment I fumble for words that never come out close to right. I cannot argue. I do not thrive off of anger but instead peace, calm and quiet. I would write it out in a letter to you, my rebuttle, but the point would be lost. Much like with our daily conversation, you would decide how I really feel, what I really mean to say, respond accordingly and anything else that disagrees with you is in one ear and out the other. Deep breath.
Little one is snoring now and I am calm and collected. And so we will go, onto a new place. I will think of it as an adventure. We will travel all over and when the time is right we will settle like dust bunnies and be at rest. Until then I am strong, I am resilient, not just for myself but for the smaller, sweeter version that is sleeping beside me. I worry about the toll our busy life may take on her but more often than not I am reassured by her in one way or another that she is most at peace when life around us is scattered. There are moments where I feel us start to settle into a steady pace and she always seems so discontent. It's seems as though she thrives most when we are in constant motion, always coming or going but never standing still.
When you are a mother, you are never really alone in your thoughts. A mother always has to think twice, once for herself and once for her child.
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