God give me peace.

Things I am already tired of repeating today:

"The cat is not food, do not eat him"

"Please stop biting me. If you break them you will starve."

"I am not Dada, say 'Mama'."

And it's not even noon.

She is currently yelling at me from her crib. I would love nothing more than to hold her and sing her to sleep but she will not have it. Gone are the days of long snuggles and sleeping happily on my chest. Nonetheless, she is my angel. That toothy grin saves me.

The apartment is too clean. It's a clear sign that my head is a mess. I sat here for hours last night, trying to read, think, breathe...I dozed off and woke to the sound of our patio door slamming. My neighbor was trying to go for a not so sober bike ride which I quickly discouraged. Instead we sat and talked, comisserated really. It's nice to have someone to talk to that doesn't ask anything of me. Selfish, I know.

I made a desperate run to Starbucks this morning. Thinking Delilah would be content as she usually is in the car, I went armed with my latest playlist. She was niether calm nor content and she let me know that for most of the ride home. "Please, give me five minutes of peace baby." I begged.

And now she is napping. After an hour of fighting sleep she is asleep in my bed. I suppose weak should be my middle name. I feel like a failure giving in but I am her mother and I am doing my best. It will have to be good enough and to her it is.

I've been thinking a lot lately of what I'd like for her. And by that I mean, what I'd like to teach her, the example I'd like to set. I want her to know that she is good enough, that she alone is enough. She doesnt have to be half of a whole to be complete. That knowledge will get her through the hardest of times. That's not to say that she cant be half of a whole and be happy but I think that strong sense of self is necessary. I am just now realizing that I can stand on my own when the opportunity arises. It's been a frightening yet empowering few months.

I've been listening to Not A Pretty Girl non-stop for the past two days. I hate the misconception that all things female must be delicate and needy. I am glad to say I am none of those things these days.

I have family coming over in a few minutes. I an unshowered, overwhelmed and rather crabby. Needless to say I am not ready for company.