A mother always has to think twice, once for herself and once for her child. ~Sophia Loren

Weight of words

2010-06-18T23:57:00.000-07:00

Tonight is quiet unlike the day. I am not prepared for this tumbling toddler bursting with energy. She is clearly on a mission to obtain as many 'owies' as possible before passing out snoring next to me. It's as if this is her agenda every day now and I'm left scrambling after her as this falls and that crashes and *boom*, we have an owie. My bones much like my brain are tired, aching.

Today was a day full of harsh words that cannot be taken back. For once in my life I refuse to allow someone else's words and opinions bear so much weight on my heart. I am who I am. I am myself in all of my awkward glory. If you depend on me it is nearly guaranteed that I will do nothing out of sheer fear of doing the wrong thing. I am not mean spirited or selfish, just timid and stage frightened. I am clumsy and shy and in the heat of the moment I fumble for words that never come out close to right. I cannot argue. I do not thrive off of anger but instead peace, calm and quiet. I would write it out in a letter to you, my rebuttle, but the point would be lost. Much like with our daily conversation, you would decide how I really feel, what I really mean to say, respond accordingly and anything else that disagrees with you is in one ear and out the other. Deep breath.

Little one is snoring now and I am calm and collected. And so we will go, onto a new place. I will think of it as an adventure. We will travel all over and when the time is right we will settle like dust bunnies and be at rest. Until then I am strong, I am resilient, not just for myself but for the smaller, sweeter version that is sleeping beside me. I worry about the toll our busy life may take on her but more often than not I am reassured by her in one way or another that she is most at peace when life around us is scattered. There are moments where I feel us start to settle into a steady pace and she always seems so discontent. It's seems as though she thrives most when we are in constant motion, always coming or going but never standing still.

When you are a mother, you are never really alone in your thoughts. A mother always has to think twice, once for herself and once for her child.

be strong.

2009-10-12T19:39:00.000-07:00

"We define ourselves by the best that is in us, not the worst that has been done to us." - Edward Lewis

Reading through old books tonight, finding sleepy notes, bent corners and pages marked for rereading at later dates. Moving always brings mixed emotions for me. The relief brought on by a fresh start contradicts feelings of nostalgia as I sort through my past. Tonight has been quiet. Three solid hours of peace.

And just like that she wakes in a panic when she realises I am not by her side.

I cant say that I blame her. I seem to wake in a similar fashion these days, vulnerable, reaching out for you in an empty bed. Be strong.

So life as of late: old books, plenty of walks, cider mill, tanger, bed before midnight, more time spent playing, less time compulsively cleaning, baking, quiet conversation and more sleep. The result is smiling chubby cheeks, love and a very messy apartment.

I sometimes wonder if in my contentedness with the simplicity of things I am really just settling out of fear of trying for something more, something better. The dictionary says yes.

"To settle: To accept in spite of incomplete satisfaction."

I guess we're all settling then.

Every time I think about what I truly want I end up in the same place, day dreaming about a happy family on a farm, Delilah and daisies.

Simplicity.

2009-09-10T13:26:00.001-07:00

Today has been and will continue to be a good day. Peaceful. Woke up early, went shopping. I bought Delilah some clothes that she desperately needs, a candle for myself and a birthday card for my Dad. I wanted to get him one from Delilah as well but I couldn't find a Grandpa birthday card. Grandpa; My Dad, with his grey beard and reading glasses. I love him more than I think he really knows.

Last night was my birthday dinner. We went to Outback, as we always do. We talked about the baby, his job and fishing. He was shocked to hear that I still love to fish. It's funny how most, if not all of the things I enjoy are just little pieces that I have taken from my parents...I wonder what Delilah will take from me. I ended the night with tears in my eyes. I miss my parents. Gone are the days of seeing them every day. Bitter-sweet life.

This afternoon I decided that I want to buy a farm. I know I could be happy this way. Room to breathe, organic produce and animals to love, not eat. I went exploring and I found a lot of happy faces, horses and a secret road that I desperately wanted to drive down. If only my car didn't hate dirt roads. Someday.

That seems to be the mantra of my life these days, 'Someday'.

God give me peace.

2009-08-22T08:19:00.000-07:00

Things I am already tired of repeating today:

"The cat is not food, do not eat him"

"Please stop biting me. If you break them you will starve."

"I am not Dada, say 'Mama'."

And it's not even noon.

She is currently yelling at me from her crib. I would love nothing more than to hold her and sing her to sleep but she will not have it. Gone are the days of long snuggles and sleeping happily on my chest. Nonetheless, she is my angel. That toothy grin saves me.

The apartment is too clean. It's a clear sign that my head is a mess. I sat here for hours last night, trying to read, think, breathe...I dozed off and woke to the sound of our patio door slamming. My neighbor was trying to go for a not so sober bike ride which I quickly discouraged. Instead we sat and talked, comisserated really. It's nice to have someone to talk to that doesn't ask anything of me. Selfish, I know.

I made a desperate run to Starbucks this morning. Thinking Delilah would be content as she usually is in the car, I went armed with my latest playlist. She was niether calm nor content and she let me know that for most of the ride home. "Please, give me five minutes of peace baby." I begged.

And now she is napping. After an hour of fighting sleep she is asleep in my bed. I suppose weak should be my middle name. I feel like a failure giving in but I am her mother and I am doing my best. It will have to be good enough and to her it is.

I've been thinking a lot lately of what I'd like for her. And by that I mean, what I'd like to teach her, the example I'd like to set. I want her to know that she is good enough, that she alone is enough. She doesnt have to be half of a whole to be complete. That knowledge will get her through the hardest of times. That's not to say that she cant be half of a whole and be happy but I think that strong sense of self is necessary. I am just now realizing that I can stand on my own when the opportunity arises. It's been a frightening yet empowering few months.

I've been listening to Not A Pretty Girl non-stop for the past two days. I hate the misconception that all things female must be delicate and needy. I am glad to say I am none of those things these days.

I have family coming over in a few minutes. I an unshowered, overwhelmed and rather crabby. Needless to say I am not ready for company.

Should be sleeping.

2009-08-20T02:59:00.000-07:00

Friday, August 14, 2009 at 8:12pm

1. You can ONLY answer Yes or No.

2. You are NOT ALLOWED to explain ANYTHING unless someone messages or comments you and asks.

Copy and paste this into your notes; delete my answers; type in your answers, and tag 25 friends.

------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------
Been arrested? No
Kissed someone you didn't like? Yes
Slept in until 5 PM? Yes
Ran a red light? Yes
Been suspended from school? No
Experienced love at first sight? No
Totaled your car in an accident? No
Been fired from a job? Yes
Fired somebody? No
Sang karaoke? No
Pointed a gun at someone? No
Done something you told yourself you wouldn't? Yes
Caught a snowflake on your tongue? Yes
Kissed in the rain? Yes
Had a close brush with death (your own)? No
Seen someone die? (as in actually watched their death)? No
Played spin-the-bottle? Yes
Smoked a cigar? Yes
Sat on a rooftop? Yes
Smuggled something into another country? No
Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? Yes
Broken a bone? No
Skipped school? Yes
Eaten a bug? No
Sleepwalked? Yes
Walked a moonlit beach? Yes
Rode a motorcycle? Yes
Dumped someone? Yes
Lied to avoid a ticket? Yes
Ridden in a helicopter? No
Shaved your head? No
Made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry? Yes
Eaten snake? No
Marched/Protested? No :(
Had Mexican jumping beans for pets? Yes
Puked on amusement ride? Yes
Seriously & intentionally boycotted something? Yes
Been in a band? No
Been on TV? Yes
Shot a gun? Yes
Skinny-dipped? Yes
Gave someone stitches? No
Ridden a surfboard? No
Drank straight from a liquor bottle? Yes
Had surgery? No
Streaked? No
Taken by ambulance to hospital? Yes
Passed out when not drinking? Yes
Peed on a bush? No
Donated Blood? Yes
Grabbed electric fence? No
Eaten alligator meat? No
Killed an animal when not hunting? No
Peed your pants in public? No
Snuck into a movie without paying? No
Written graffiti? No
Still love someone you shouldn't? No
Believe in love? Yes
Sleep on a certain side of the bed? Yes
Like your job? Yes
Fought in a war? No
Like being a father/mother? Yes
Want to be home? Yes
Have a best friend? Yes

Writers block

2009-08-19T14:08:00.000-07:00

75 Questions

1. First thing you wash in the shower? Hair

2. What color is your favorite hoodie? Purple

3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? Yes

4. Do you plan outfits? I'm OCD, I plan everything.

5. How are you feeling RIGHT now? Sleepy and tired of this headache.

6. Whats the closest thing to you thats red? DVD case

7. Do you say aim or a-i-m? A-I-M

8. Tell me about the last dream you remember having? I never remember my dreams anymore.

9. Did you meet anybody new today? Don't think so..I had a guy at the mall ask me to help him pick out cologne. We didn't exchange names so I don't think that counts.

10. What are you craving right now? Sleep

11. Do you floss? Yes

12. What comes to mind when I say cabbage? Grandma

13. When was the last time you talked on aim? Last night

14. Are you emotional? I can be

15. Would you dance to the taco song? Taco song?

16. Have you ever counted to 1,000? Negative

17. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it? Stupid

18. Do you like your hair? Yes

19. Do you like yourself? Mostly

20. Have you ever met a celebrity? Not that I'm aware of.

21. Do you like cottage cheese? Yes 22. What are you listening to right now? Delilah snoring

23. How many countries have you visited? 2

24. Are your parents strict? They were, with good reason. Now I understand why.

25. Would you go sky diving? In a heartbeat.

26. Would you go out to eat with George W. Bush? Yes

27. Would you throw potatoes at him? Certainly

28. Is there anything sparkly in the room you’re in? Delilahs easter book

29. Have you ever been in a castle? I wish

30. Do you rent movies often? Yes

31. Who sits in behind you in your math class? Riley Cat

32. Have you made a prank phone call? Sure

33. Do you own a gun? -

34. Can you count backwards from 74? I would hope so.

35. Who are you going to be with tonight? My daughter

36. Brown or white eggs? Either or

37. Do you own something from Hot Topic? Piercing jewelry

38. Ever been on a train? NO:(

39. Ever been in love? Of course

40. Do you have a cell-phone? Yes

41. Are you too forgiving? To a fault

42. Do you use chap stick? Not often

43. What is your best friend doing tomorrow? Working

44. Can you use chop sticks? Nope, I fail miserably.

45. Ever have cream puffs? No

46. Have you ever seen The Butterfly Effect? Yes, good movie.

47. What was the last question you asked? I believe when I asked Megan if she wanted to meet at the mall.

48. What was the last CD you bought? Too poor to buy CDs.

49. Boys or girls? Everyone

50. What is your bus number for school? Yep, this is definitely for 12 yr olds.

51. Is your hair curly? Yes

52. Last time you cried? A few days ago.

53. Ever walked into a wall? A mirror.

54. Do looks matter? Not so much.

55. Have you ever bought anything from Pac Sun? Yes

56. Have you ever slapped someone? Slapped? No. Back-handed? Yes, pervy guys in high school.

57. Favorite time of the year? Always fall.

58. Favorite color? Good question.

59. Are you sarcastic? Very.

60. Do you have any tattoos? Yes, two. Cross on my wrist and daisy on my hip.

61. The last person you held hands with? Delilah Marie

62. Do you sleep with the TV on? No. I dont watch tv.

63. Where was your default picture taken at? In my bedroom.

64. Do you hate or dislike more than 3 people? Hate is an awfully strong word. I dislike/think poorly of more than a few.

65. Do you like your life right now? I suppose. It could be better but also could be much worse.

66. How often do you talk on the phone? Other than to Emerson, never. I hate talking on the phone.

67. What is your favorite animal? Riley Cat

68. What was the most recent thing you bought? Food

69. Do you have good vision? Not so much

70. Can you hula hoop? No

71. Could you ever forgive a cheater? I have

72. Do you have a job? No

73. Can you handle the truth? Usually

74. What are you wearing? Shorts and tank top

75. Have you ever crawled through a window? All too often

Opposite friends..

2009-08-12T13:27:00.000-07:00

"Show me a genuine case of platonic friendship, and I shall show you two old or homely faces."

I am in the midst of a debate about this with my friend Mike. He says 'opposite' friends (as in members of the opposite sex) do not exist without some ulterior motive on one side or the other or both. I want to believe he's wrong. Maybe I am in denial. Then again, I think that could apply to all friendships, regardless of gender.

I am writing this from my apartment. Our apartment, our home, our place of residence. We have successfully moved. I'm not sure how but we did it. I guess it's true that where there's a will, there's a way. I found a place, packed, moved, and unpacked all with a baby on my hip and a cell phone to my ear, consulting my husband every step of the way. I wont say I did it all alone but I will say, I DID IT and I lived through it. We have a roof over our heads, in a safer area. No more worrying about break ins, or the roof collapsing. No more fears of electrical fires to keep me from sleeping at night when it rains. We did it.

South Lyon is beautiful. It's green and quiet and and everything I would hope for in a place to raise our daughter. Our plan is to use the next two years to rebuild the foundation we need to stand on our own. The first step was a roof over our heads, the next will be bankruptcy and the next will be a newer, family safe vehicle.

I catch myself saying I or my a lot lately as opposed to we or our. I am half of a pair, a couple. I am a wife to a husband who happens to have an awfully hard job that keeps him away. Away for unbearable amounts of time. Whenever I say this to people, they treat me as if I am a widow. I never know how to respond.

Delilah is napping in her crib. I am enjoying the peace while it lasts. We are both feeling rather defeated by her two lower teeth that are choosing to come through simultaneously. We walked to the store today and then to lunch. She had eggs and hash browns for the first time. The eggs were a success but she wouldn't touch the hash browns. I wished Emerson were there. She is so much like her father. I can't wait to see them together again. No one else can truly appreciate the blessing that is Delilah quite like he or I. I can't count how many times this week I have wished he were here to watch her grow.

I've been trying to keep her busy, and keep myself busy as well. We've been to the beach twice in the last two weeks. I took her to the park last week. She loved the swing and kicked her legs with every push. On Monday I took her downtown. I had planned on changing my address at the post office and then going to the doll house with her but little did I know, they are closed on Monday's. The book store was closed as well. I went into the consignment shop but I felt lost and out of place. I haven't thrifted in so long. I found myself feeling very overwhelmed by all of the stuff as soon as I walked in. Not knowing where to begin, I walked one quick lap around the store and left. I had planned on asking the girls at the counter about reselling some baby items but they were talking amongst each other so I didn't. They stopped to stare at me as I fumbled awkwardly trying to push my stroller out the door. Social anxiety: 1, Christine: 0.

Busy. I'm always keeping busy. Trying to pass the time. It's very conflicting at times. I want the time to pass more quickly so I can see my husband again yet I want the time to pass more slowly so my daughter will not age so fast. I want. I want. I want.

Delilah is awake now and shouting for me. In the last few days she has stopped saying "Mum, mum, mum.." when she wants me and resorted back to yelling belligerently until I come to her rescue. I am so tired.

2009-06-27T15:47:00.000-07:00

Things I've gotten this week that make me smile:

A pretty oil burner on clearance for $6 along with a few different bottles of oil that were marked down to a dollar a piece.

A charm that says "Thrive" to make yet another nurisng necklace for $2.

Marked down Easter hand towels with ruffles and cute patterns to make towel bibs for Delilah for $3.

I also went to zerbos yesterday and got some more granola, yogurt, hummos, pita crunchers and apple chips. I felt guilty because none of these things were on clearance but considering clearance groceries are usually about to perish, I'm ok with this. I had actually stopped there after I went to the Social Security office because I thought Dannah would be working but she was not.

No word on the apartment yet. I'd like to be able to say we have a plan B but unfortunately we do not. This house is falling apart around us and I'm dying to leave.

I'm watching Delilah sit up in her pack n play and squeal in delight because she has two pacis at the moment. One in each hand. I love her innocence. She could also be gloating due to the fact that I caved and let her skip her nap after listening to her complain for ten minutes in her crib. I'm a pushover with a now, very cranky baby. I wish she'd let me sew right now. Count down til bedtime....

A clean slate..

2009-06-24T23:14:00.000-07:00

I decided to renovate this blog and start new. I need to write more. I used to write so often but it seems to have become a thing of the past. I wonder why. Maybe because I can never decide on what to say. I start typing and it doesn't feel right or true to my heart and I hit delete. I sit in frustration, unable to articulate my thoughts into something worth reading. Even I don't understand what I feel these days. My own worst critic, enemy, victim..I could go on. I feel so lost at the moment. At a crossroads, unable to take a step for fear I'll ruin not only my life but my childs as well. I've named this 'Consider Tomorrow' for a reason I suppose. So much to consider. I wish I could elaborate but I wouldn't know where to begin.

A mother always has to think twice, once for herself and once for her child. ~Sophia Loren